Folded Gingham: Entries from June 2008

I thought I would share a quick peek of Nathan's quilt with all of you. I'm completely hand sewing and hand quilting it, so it is taking me awhile to do, especially since I don't get around to working on it every day. The center is a paper piece design called "tumbling blocks" (which is pretty traditional for a baby quilt), the 4 corners are appliqued angel kitties(in reference to my dream), and the center border is still undecided. I put it up on my new design board that I made for my sewing room this past weekend. It's just a large piece of felt with a wood border around it, but it works great for holding blocks and fabric pieces so that you can see how you want them.

Yes, the colors look familiar, I used remnants I had on hand from other quilts I have made.

I've started making the baby quilts for the hospital, so far I have 4 done, along with half a dozen small blanket wraps.

Hubby and I are thinking about setting up a non profit fund in memory of Nathan, for parents who don't have the money for funeral or cremation expenses and the blankets will be incorporated in that. I'm still trying to think of a name for it, I liked Angel stitches, but that has been taken, so I think I may just go simple with something like Nathan's Blankets.

Thank you all again for your kind words, they really do mean so much to me. I'm sorry that I don't respond to them all, I hope to one day do that, but for now, please know that I read each and every one(so does hubby) and appreciate them all. I think I'm doing a bit better this week, I spoke with the hospital's grief counseler, she sent us Nathan's hospital pictures, and I have decided to attend the next support group meeting on Monday.

Tomorrow is the kids last day of school for this school year and I'm so looking forward to the summer. Not for the heat or swimming or anythig like that, just for that fact that we can run on our own schedule and we can be mellow and sleep in and just relax. Of course I'm sure within a week I will hear how bored they are, but oh well!

One last pic for this post, it's of our new mommy and daughter dummies that we made this past weekend. I read about making duct tape sewing dummies ages ago and finally got around to doing them. Hubby thinks they need to be painted or something(I think he is right, the gray duct tape is not that attractive). I can't wait to make something on them, at least I know it will fit right.

Take care and have a great day,

Instead of Phoebe, her name should be "Duh, what was mommy thinking?!?!"

Meet the newest member of our family, a little long hair kitty that we got today from the animal shelter. We went looking for a hamster, but after much debate and looking at all the cats, we left with her, the last of her litter, she was all alone in the cage and the kids convinced me that we couldn't leave her there. And my smart 7 yr old said that if we took her home it would free up more space for them to take other homeless cats in...you can't argue with that logic.

The kids named her Phoebe, although, the younger ones are pronouncing it as Fifi. And so far, only 3 of us seem to be allergic to her,lol! Me, hubby and my oldest daughter. Hopefully we will get used to her soon and the sneezing, itchy throat, and puffy eyes will go away!!!

I made her a bed this afternoon...

I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all the comments you left, they mean so much to me. A lot of you mentioned how brave I was to share Nathan's story, which kind of surprised me, I don't feel brave at all, I just wanted to make my baby's life have meaning and be real, real to more than just hubby and me. I can't explain how isolated I feel, I have just felt so mentally alone. Most of the people I know in my real life(not on line) just seem to have ignored the whole ordeal which makes things worse for me. I want his precious short life acknowledged. Not talking about him or even asking me how I'm doing doesn't make the pain or grief go away. Please, if you know someone who loses a baby, ask them how they are doing, tell them you are sorry, don't tell them it happened for a reason. Acknowledge their pain and sorrow, pretending it didn't happen won't make them forget about it.

The last few days have been very hard for me. I thought I had cried all my tears, but I realized that I was just putting on a happy face for the people around me. I didn't want my kids to feel my pain and they need to keep their normal routine and family life. But yesterday, it just all bubbled up and I cried most of the day, every little thought brought me to tears. And of course, I'm starting to cry as I write this. I just feel so numb and my faith in people has been shattered. I won't go into the details here, but I just had a really bad experience through all of this with a few people. I'm to the point of not wanting to go out of my way for anyone anymore, because in the end, they just don't care. Nathan has taught me who really matters in my life.

I went to the Dr on Tuesday for a follow up appointment and heard news that I didn't want to hear. He said now that I have had 2 miscarriages in a row(and one being a 2nd trimester one), that my risk for subsequent miscarriages in the 2nd trimester goes from 10% to 30%. Plus, he said that it is best that we wait at least 6 months before we try again. In the hospital they said only 1 or 2 cycles, but my Dr says there is better success if you wait at least 6 months. Which just sucks! I really thought I would be pregnant by October, I just can't stand the thought of the Nathan's due date coming in October and not being pregnant. How am I going to handle that?!!?!?! But I know if I were to get pregnant soon and something aweful happened again, I would feel horribly guilty, so somehow I am going to have to get through this. This whole thing still seems so sureal to me, I can't believe it happened and we still don't know why. The genetic testing hasn't come back yet, but the hospital report on Nathan showed no visible signs of why he died.

We got Nathan's ashes back and they are in a tiny little urn that sits in a padded silver box on my dresser next to my bed, I also put his 12 week 5 day ultrasound picture in the box. I say good morning and good night to him every day. And I know it sounds strange, but everytime I'm in my room and think about Nathan, I look out my window into the backyard and a little bird always comes and lands on the batting pole. Even in the pouring rain the other day, I was really feeling bad and thinking about him, and thought for sure there was no way I would see the bird, but sure enough, the little guy flew to the pole and landed.

I know I'm rambling, I just can't explain how I feel and like I said before, it is such an isolating grief and pain. Most people think of it as just a miscarriage, that he wasn't really alive. But I gave birth to him and he lived and died within me. And yes, the kitten was probably a subconscience way of filling my desire for a baby, like I said, what was I thinking? But the kids are happy and she is a sweet little thing who will hopefully grow to be a good cat.

I think I'm going to make small blankets for the hospital to give to other parents of stillborn or miscarried babies, so they have something to wrap the baby in and then later take home, like I did. I know not everyone sews, so I thought it could be my way of giving something to others who have gone through the same thing and keeping Nathan's memory alive. Maybe some of you could think about doing the same thing for your local hospital.

I thank you for all your prayers and again thank you for all your comments. Just remember that every life is precious and should be acknowlegded.

I'll try to update more often and I will show you Nathan's quilt when I'm done with it, it is coming along nicely.